Heather, that BITCH
You know those moments in a scary movie where there is a sudden noise and the main character decides to investigate it?
They walk through the dark hallway…
Heaven forbid they would turn on the light…
Oh look! There’s a mirror perfectly placed right there…
GET OUTTA THERE! DON’T LOOK IN THE MIRROR!
Sweaty hands. Holding my breath.
Why on Earth do I watch these kinds of movies. They give me nightmares for MONTHS afterwards.
Why on Earth would you look in the damn mirror?!
That’s the last place I’d look.
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Honestly, it’s still the last place I look. The mirror.
The mirror is full of evil. Pure unadulterated evil.
Except my mirror experience is a bit different than your typical scary movie mirror scene. Instead of some dead person or the girl from The Ring coming to haunt me, it’s Heather.
Ugh. that freaking b*tch, Heather.
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I’ve been practicing yoga for years. Probably over a decade now.
The one thing I want to do more than ANYTHING!?
A headstand.
Am I anywhere close? Absolutely not. That requires dedication and a consistent practice. Do I have either of those? Nope.
Sometimes my yoga sessions look like child’s pose for 30 minutes. Or cat cow over and over again until I feel the need to get off my mat and move on with my day.
Am I the only one that does this?
Every year since 2013 my New Year’s Resolution has been to do a headstand.
Newsflash… it’s 2020.
Looking at all the Instafamous yogi’s doing their perfect headstands on the beach or in a perfectly lit room with their perfectly positions plants all around them… silently, I whimper.
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In 2017, I got sober from alcohol and all kinds of different white powder, pill popping type substances.
I thought sobriety would be unbearably difficult. As in, saying no to alcohol would take me on a surge of old cravings while salivating at the mouth like a rabbit dog.
Lemme tell ya, saying no to alcohol wasn’t NEARLY as difficult as what happened to my face during my first years of sobriety.
Are you ready for it?
I got…
ADULT ACNE. (gasp!)
My life went into a state of upheaval. I woke up with cystic acne - all over my face, chest, back.
Huge red freaky things that HURT like hell and looked even worse.
Overnight, I became one of those before pictures you see all over the internet when you type in “before and after acne” photos.
I looked in the mirror and cried. I touched my face and cried. I went to dermatologists and cried. I spoke with health professionals and cried. I called my mom and cried.
(tear)
I went from someone who is super outgoing and confident to someone who just… cries because of her acne.
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Ugh, she’s back.
She’s always showing up at the most inopportune times.
Your acne has gotten worse, what did you eat yesterday? It was probably that handful of nuts... you know nuts aren’t good for you right now. Too much oil. Oil produces sebum. Too much sebum produces acne.
You look horrible, so ugly.
What’s that cellulite? Are you even exercising right now? Not exercising will give you more acne.
Seriously… when was the last time you did an ab workout? You know your core strength is pivotal for you if you ever want to do a headstand. If you don’t put yourself upside down you’re not going to get enough blood to your head and guess what? More acne.
I can’t blame her, my skin looks terrible. And yeah, when I look in the mirror… there’s cellulite all over the back of my legs.
And guess what? I still can’t do a f*cking headstand.
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I am a shadow player.
What is a shadow player?
I choose to find playfulness through the deep traumatic wounds. Otherwise, I’d slip into a big ole’ pile of goop with food on my face from days ago and smelling like…
(I’m looking for a witty metaphor to use but all I can come up with is…)
SMELLING LIKE SHIT. Kiki doesn’t shower when she’s goop.
One of the ways in which I shadow play is through creating characters around the shitty voices in my head telling me shitty things.
(I just said sh*t three times in a row, awesome.)
When you work with me, first I help you find these voices through speaking with your subconscious. Then you give them a name, describe what they look like, how they act with you, and what it is they need. They obviously need something, otherwise they wouldn’t be screaming shitty things at you all the time.
The idea is to separate them, to give them their own persona, their own stage.
Give them their own stage so they stop stealing yours. It’s your time to sing and dance on your own damn stage.
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So here we are, looking in the mirror and hearing that damn voice again.
Honestly, I’d rather the creepy girl from The Ring.
Shit. Are those new pimples? How many are there… like 6?!?
Probably because you forgot to drink your celery juice yesterday.
Are you seriously going to combine those foods together? You know that’s not good for your gut.
An unhealthy gut will lead to more acne.
I can’t take it anymore.
I finally screamed out loud one day… WHO THE HELL IS SAYING THIS TO ME!!??!
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GIVE HER A NAME -- Heather.
GIVE HER A DESCRIPTION -- the insta famous head standing yogi goddess who looks like her instagram is straight out of Tulum, Mexico. Her long brunette mermaid hair is braided ever so perfect and messy, she’s only ever seen wearing cheeky yoga booty shorts that show her perfectly round yogi ass and a t-shirt that says “POSITIVE VIBES ONLY”.
I bet anything the cellulite on your legs is from not doing enough squats, you need to do more squats. Your butt isn’t as round as it used to be, we need to change that. Your belly has a bit of a pudge these days, stop eating past 8pm. All the ayurvedic doctors say to not eat past 8pm.
I can’t believe you only did your elimination diet for 4 weeks, you should’ve done it for 6.
Did you REALLY just eat that piece of gluten free vegan brownie? It probably had soooo much sugar in it. You know sugar is terrible for acne.
She’s the worst.
WHAT DOES HEATHER NEED -- I close my eyes. I imagine myself and Heather standing in front of one another. I gaze into her eyes as she gazes into mine. As I look deeper into her green eyes, there’s something she does in fact need. But I don’t know how to give it to her.
So, my subconscious puts us in a kitchen. On the kitchen counter is a giant white, multilayered cake that looks like it could be on the cover of some wedding magazine.
Beautiful.
I don’t know what you would do in this situation, but the first thing I do when I see this cake is grab a huge piece of the cake with my bare hands and shove it into Heather’s mouth.
She laughs… then does the same thing to me.
Next thing I know, she and I are feeding one another this cake, making orgasmic noises as we devour the spongy vanilla goodness. Licking it off each other’s fingers.
I smear some vanilla icing on her cheek.
She smears some on mine.
I grab another big hunk of cake and smack her in the face with it. I smack her so hard she falls to the floor.
Face full of cake, howling like a wolf she becomes full feral, running on all fours towards me, ready to pounce.
B*TCH GONNA EAT ME!
She crushes me to the ground, ferociously smacking me and tearing at my clothes.
I rip her “POSITIVE VIBES ONLY” t-shirt off with one swift tear. Oooo, that’s better than sex.
We’re both naked, covered in cake as I slowly start to lick her pussy.
I open my eyes abruptly.
WAIT A SECOND. WHAT?!
Well that sure escalated quickly.
What was that all about?
Heather needed a release. She needed to just fucking get loose and dirty for a moment.
Oooooohhhhhh. That’s what she’s been telling me all along. Just let go a bit. Stop nagging yourself and have fun in the experience you’re in.
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Heather is me.
I am Heather.
I’m licking Heather’s pussy. So I’m actually licking my own pussy… that’s some serious Freudian mumbo jumbo if you ask me.
The best thing about Heather is now that I’ve given her a name, persona, and an activity we can do together, she doesn’t come around as often. If at all anymore.
Are you wondering about who your shadow characters might be?
You have many, we all do.