Why Setting Boundaries is Important

Saying “no” and setting boundaries…so so SO important. Let’s talk about why.

I went on a date the other night with a guy and… well…

…I didn’t listen to my body. 

I overrode my no. 

This blog post is going to explain to you why I did it and what I did to heal the guilt after the fact. 

Let’s go into some logistics first.

This was a guy I’ve met before, we’ve had fun interactions at mutual friends houses. 

He has a cute fluffy dog who he adores, so I know he has a sweet, soft side. That’s the kind of stuff I look for, someone who’s responsible enough to take care of another being.

To me, it means he looks into the details of things and he’s compassionate.

When I see him at events, his warmth makes me smile. 

So naturally, the other night when he messaged me, asking me out on a date, it was an easy yes. 

The date was cute and casual, we met up at a local place that everyone in LA knows.

We talked, we laughed, we walked around, we shared ice cream for dessert.

Cute, right?

Yeah, super cute.

A couple times during the date he went in for… the kiss. 

Now, to be clear… for me it didn’t feel like the right moments. 

We were still getting to know one another. 

Still talking, walking, and eating ice cream. 

But… I let him kiss me anyways. 

Even though I didn’t want to. 

There were moments where I pulled away, but it wasn’t a full clear NO. And I definitely wasn’t setting boundaries.

When I woke up the next morning, I felt nauseous. 

Coming from someone who has a literal career based on teaching people to listen to their bodies… this one hurts. 

And I get it, it’s just a kiss. 

I mean, I didn’t end up sleeping with him or putting his cock in my mouth. 

But it almost has the same-felt sensation in my body. 

Feeling like damn, why didn’t you say something?

With all the training, workshops, almost a decades worth of working with intimacy coaching… 

…you froze and didn’t honor your sacred no. 

I have a very dear friend of mine who was raped in college by a frat guy.

It was awful. 

I remember when she first told me about it. 

She said something so profound to me I’ll remember it for the rest of my life.

I’m holding her hand as she shares with me the series of terrible events.

As the tears rolled down both our cheeks, she said,

“These college consent classes teach you about setting boundaries and how to say no, but they don’t teach you about what to do after you can’t say no and it happens anyways.”

It’s like when people say, 

“Why didn’t you say something!?!”

Or…

“You should’ve just said no!”

Ever heard of flight, fight, freeze, and fawn? 

The freeze response is real.

I didn't say no. 

I kissed him back. 

My body didn't want to.

I knew my body didn’t want to because…

…I clenched up.

Also, I didn’t feel right about it in the morning.

Now, there’s also the fawn response.

Fawn response relates to the generations and generations of trauma women hold in their bodies. 

The conditioning which tells me his needs are more important than mine. 

And that folks, is the fawn response to trauma. 

Appeasing him at the expense of my own needs.

I witnessed myself do this with the kiss, thinking that’s what he wanted.

So I forgot all about setting boundaries and gave him what I think he wanted.

Wow. This kiss kicked up a can of fucking worms, didn’t it?

As I’m writing this, I don’t want this to turn into a further hatred for men. 

Because in all honesty, he’s not to blame. 

Nor am I. Nobody is to blame. 

Blame sucks. Victimhood sucks. 

Let’s not do that here.

He’s a great guy. 

And what I’ve noticed in the past, when I’m honest about my needs and what I’m desiring with great guys is…

…they receive it with open arms. 

So how do I navigate this?

Lean deeper into love.

That’s the only way.

The first step to setting boundaries

…and to lean deeper into love is to honor the pain in my body - the anger, frustration, resentment.

I allow it to surface in whatever way it needs to.

For me, that was to take a bath, lower my head into the water and scream as loud as I could until I felt a clearing in my body. 

It was also to get my drum out, drum and let my voice sing, scream, whatever the fuck it wants to do. 

And here I am now, writing about it. Yet another cathartic experience.

Lean deeper into love. 

The second step

…is to be honest with him about how I felt. 

A few months ago, I received a session with my mentor that helped me witness my inner child in a different way than I’d ever had before. 

I had a vision of her looking to all the adults around her and having no one to trust completely.

In that vision I turned her around to look directly at me and I told her, 

“It’s you and me. It’s always been you and me. And it’s always going to be you and me.”

This is another way where I can stand up for my little girl and her sacred no.

This is my way of rewriting her story so I can continue rewriting mine. 

Need help setting boundaries, saying “no” and standing up for yourself? Talk to me.

Remember, we all face moments where our boundaries are tested and our instincts conflict with societal pressures. It's crucial to acknowledge these instances and respond with self-compassion. If you've ever found yourself in a situation where you've overridden your own “no,” take the time to reflect and heal. Lean deeper into love, honor the pain, and find your voice. And if you're reading this and have your own story to share, I encourage you to join the conversation. Let's support each other on this journey of self-discovery, empowerment, and setting boundaries. Together, we can rewrite our stories and create a world where consent, respect, and self-care are paramount.