Building Confidence in the Bedroom: Overcoming Insecurities

Here's a little story about building confidence in the bedroom. I’m 22 in Berlin visiting my lover, Lucas. 

He was this little Brazilian guy who got laid… a lot. 

Whenever we went out he would have these drop dead gorgeous women hitting on him all the time. 

He was never the most handsome of the group.

But he had this charismatic energy people, and women, craved to be around. 

I mean let’s be honest, I craved to be around him. 

Lucas was, however, not my boyfriend.

He was my lover, and somehow that gave both of us permission to be totally honest about our past and present sexual history without any jealousy. 

Some people call it friends with benefits, I like to use the term lover. 

Bedtime Stories Lead to Dry Vaginas

One night we were snuggling in bed swapping sex stories. 

He was telling me German women don’t get as wet in bed as other women from other cultures. 

When he told me this, I felt my body sink. 

I got quiet and quickly crossed my arms and legs.

My heritage is Irish, Belgium, and… German. 

GASP!

Instantly, I started comparing myself to other women around the world. And this was not building confidence in the bedroom for me.

He slowly started to kiss me, which would normally turn me on.

My hands were sweating…

…but my pussy? 

Dry as the desert. 

Nervous, clenched, and dry. 

Stories running around in my head.

I’m German so I can’t get wet. 

I’m German so I’ll be dry for the rest of my life.

I’m German and I’ll never be able to have wet hot juicy sex ever again.

What’s the solution to this?

Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

Stop comparing yourself to others is easier said than done. 

If it was as easy as turning a faucet on and off, more people in the world would be completely healed of any and all physical, mental and emotional issues.

We’d be living in our own version of Utopian paradise where no trauma exists and everyone is fully expressing themselves in pleasure and joy.

Alright. Let’s get back to reality here and heal the current wounds, while also building confidence in the bedroom.

Comparison brings up the biggest wound there is on the planet,

“I’m not enough, therefore I won’t be loved”.

When clients come to me as a sexual coach and this wound shows up, there’s many different trajectories we could go down, that’s why there’s no one solution to everything.

However, more often than not, it’s something tied to childhood. 

There’s a little child inside you who needs you right now. 

Your little child needs your attention, your presence. 

Not mom, not dad, YOU. 

Inner Child Healing Exercise for Building Confidence in the Bedroom

If you’d like an exercise you can do right now, I’ll offer this:

Think of a number between…

…1 and 10. 

You’ll use the first number that pops up. 

Got it?

Okay, great. 

Whatever number you chose, for whatever reason, is the age you’re going to remember for now. 

If you chose 4, you’re going to remember your 4 year old self.

What was happening when you were that age?

I recommend sitting in a quiet place and being with that age for a few moments, until you feel like you received the message you need right now. 

Sometimes when clients bring up this number, it’s related to a traumatic experience.

Use this opportunity to sit with your little child at that age, take care of them in ways they didn’t receive. 

Other times, when people choose this number and there isn’t a traumatic experience related to it. 

That’s also totally normal. 

What I recommend is sitting with that age, seeing what it wants to help you remember about that time. 

How were you responding to life? What was your emotional state back then?

Is it something you need more of in the present?

Going Back to the Dry Vagina

So what does inner child healing have to do with my dry vagina German story experience? 

Everything. 

My own not enough wound was running amok after Lucas shared with me his hypothesis about German women and their dry vaginas. 

Let’s get this straight - this is ONE person’s opinion I took on as my own internalized truth. 

Instead of checking in with how I felt, I listened to his story and took it as my own, creating a bodily response to it that actually deemed my vaginal fluids dried up and nonexistent. 

Isn’t that nuts?!

If I had the tools then that I have now, I would have noticed the clench in my body and checked in with her the moment it happened.

Maybe back then my little girl was clenched, screaming out to be acknowledged and loved. 

Instead of loving and acknowledging her, I took someone else’s story as my own. 

Inner child healing helps you take responsibility for and feel safer in your body.